NFL to Add Sensitivity Training during Half-time Huddles

“It is only fitting that the NFL suspend itself”, said Wayne Pacelle, president and CEO of The Humane Society of the United States. "They are now a role model for something terrible, and it's not appropriate that anyone suit up in an NFL uniform."

According to the latest figures from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia 120 human-beings died last season from direct football activities and over 11,000 sustained life threatening injuries resulting in permanent disability.” If you consider the violence surrounding the barbaric game of football”, the Human Statistics for Reality “estimates that over 1.2 million people are involved in a violent act directly related to football each year.”

It is reported that major sponsors, such as Nike, Red Bull, Cocaine, Plasma is You and The Orthopedic Surgeons of America have dropped sponsorship of the blood sport.

When Commissioner Roger Goodell was asked about the violence surrounding professional football he responded, “We are now justifiably facing consequences for the decisions we made and the conduct in which we engaged. Our careers, freedom and public standing are now in the most serious jeopardy," Goodell said. "I hope that we will be able to learn from this difficult experience and emerge from it better prepared to act responsibly and to make the kinds of choices that are expected of conscientious and law abiding citizens."

Also contacted was former Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick who recently accepted a plea bargain for being associated with fighting dogs. He said, “Damn, if I’d only put a helmet on’m and a jersey with numbers I could’a been the next commissioner of the DFL.”

Preliminary Report

Minnesota Bridge Problems Uncovered in 1990
By SHARON COHEN and BRIAN BAKST, Associated Press Writers. With additional support and embellishments by EL QUIJOTE; Jimmy Crack Corn Press Syndicate.

Questions about the cause of the collapse and whether it could have been prevented arose Thursday as authorities shifted from rescue efforts to a grim recover operation, searching for bodies that may be hidden beneath the river’s swirling currents.

In 1990, the federal government gave the I-35W Bridge a rating of "structurally deficient" citing significant corrosion in its bearings. The bridge is one of 77,000 bridges in that category nationwide, 1,160 in Minnesota alone.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said while the inspection didn't indicate the bridge was at risk of failing, "If an inspection report identifies deficiencies, the state is responsible for taking corrective actions."

When Snow was pressed further about the recent funding cuts for maintenance of the Federal Interstate Highway System as mandated by President Bush’s recent, “Operation: We Need Another Bomb for Iraq” program. Snow reminded reporters in his daily briefing (mostly for Fox Network, the only journalists other than Helen Thomas that are still allowed to attend White House briefings) that it is “a new world since 9-11”. He put forth the idea that even if 77,000 bridges collapsed, with an average loss of life of five as reported in Minneapolis, it would still be a pittance to the several thousand that were incinerated in the Iraqi attack on the World Trade Center.

Gov. Tim Pawlenty responded Thursday and said the state was never warned that the bridge needed to be closed or immediately repaired. He therefore ordered all bridges in the state with similar designs to be closed. This was closely followed by most other Governors in the Midwest also ordering similar bridges to be closed for safety reasons until extensive inspections could be completed.

Republican Governor Matt Blunt of Missouri decided not to close any bridges in his state due to how it may affect the needs of interstate transportation. Missouri has an exceptionally high number of Federal Interstate Highway System miles, including Interstates 70, 44, 29 and 35 which transact Missouri east to west and north to south. There are also a large number of bridges similar to the Minnesota design, as both the Mississippi and Missouri Rivers are boundaries of the state.

Governor Blunt, when pressed about the possible dangers to the public, declined to answer referring all questions to the Head of State Highway Transportation, Jimmy Hoffa.

However, after the Governors of Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma and Arkansas all closed bridges to Missouri that could be accessed from their states. Gov Blunt delivered a letter to the Springfield (MO) Daily Republican newspaper stating, “My daddy is the Minority Whip in the House of Representatives, Congressman Roy Blunt, Jr., and he called me and told me it would look really bad on President Bush if I did anything as irrational as closing down the Federal Highway Interstate System just because of very tiny public safety concerns".

Governor Blunt also stated that Vice President Richard B. Cheney called him shortly after the
Governor's telephone conversation with his his father and stated, "I have a contingency plan to move in Halliburton contractors on a no-bid contract basis that would be very beneficial to the taxpayers of Missouri. I can have those mother-fucking bridges up and running in days".

When Gov. Blunt expressed concern about the national implications of so rapid a recovery, Vice President Cheney (popularly known as “The Dick”) felt that he could fool President Bush into signing executive orders tonight for rapid repair of all interstate bridges. Cheney said, “All I have to mention is 9-11, God and money in the same sentence; the idiot can't even balance his own check book, much less grasp the financial aspects of a whole country.”